Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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