i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
So much Jack, so little girl.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
