i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
