Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
