This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
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