I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
