Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
