I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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