just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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