so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
