So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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