I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
BRING THE BAGELS
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
