You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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