so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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