Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
