Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
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