she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
