Soap is not a condiment
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
