I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
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