i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
