well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
