To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
