Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize
