Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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