I wish I could teleport
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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