do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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