WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
