matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
