if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
