I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
