put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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