You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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