Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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