when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
