Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Randomize
