If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
