Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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