guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
