I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
