The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
