All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
