I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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