Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Randomize
