dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
