So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
