I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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