it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
That was before I lit my hair on fire
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
