I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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