Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
