Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
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