I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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