I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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