i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
