the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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