You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
