first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
