He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
